What is people pleasing/People pleaser?
People-pleasing is the act of chronically prioritizing others’ needs, wants, and feelings at the expense of our own. This behavior often stems from a deep-seated need for approval and acceptance, leading us to struggle to speak up for ourselves in relationships. We frequently push past our limits to be liked by others, face immense difficulty setting boundaries, and find it challenging to identify and leave toxic environments. This often results in one-sided relationships where we give much more than we receive. Many people-pleasers feel defined by how helpful, useful, and supportive they can be to others.
The root of people-pleasing behavior lies in a disconnected relationship with ourselves. You might think of it as a form of self-abandonment. Even in the absence of others, many people-pleasers avoid tending to their basic needs, discount their own emotions, and feel uncomfortable in their own company. This disconnect can lead to a disconnection from play, creativity, wonder, joy, and delight. Cut off from a sense of self-worth, we may engage in perfectionism, self-shaming, and self-judgment. These feelings can make it difficult to manage distress, self-soothe, and regulate our emotions. In some cases, people-pleasers may even turn to compulsions or addictions to avoid confronting their feelings.
People-pleasing is a pattern of behavior rather than a mental illness or diagnosis. For most, it isn’t a conscious choice moment to moment, but an ingrained way of interacting with others that was instilled in childhood. The behavior often develops from experiences and dynamics in childhood, such as seeking approval from caregivers or trying to avoid conflict. Over time, these patterns become deeply ingrained and can significantly impact our relationships and overall well-being.
People pleaseing vs kindness
Understanding the difference between people-pleasing and genuine kindness is crucial. People-pleasers are driven by a need for approval and fear of rejection, whereas kind individuals act from genuine empathy and compassion. People-pleasers struggle with setting boundaries, while kind people understand and respect the importance of boundaries. People-pleasers often neglect their own needs, leading to burnout, while kind people balance care for others with self-care.
| Aspect | People-Pleasing | Kindness |
|---|
| Motivation | Driven by a need for approval and fear of rejection | Stems from genuine empathy and compassion |
| Boundaries | Struggles with setting and maintaining boundaries | Understands and respects the importance of boundaries |
| Self-Worth | Feels defined by how helpful and supportive they are to others | Has a sense of self-worth independent of others’ approval |
| Behavior Origin | Often rooted in childhood experiences and dynamics | Arises from a balanced, healthy perspective |
| Emotional Impact | Leads to self-neglect, burnout, and emotional struggles | Fosters emotional well-being and healthy relationships |
| Relationship Dynamics | Engages in one-sided relationships, gives more than receives | Engages in balanced, mutually respectful relationships |
| Self-Care | Neglects own needs to please others | Balances caring for others with self-care |
| Decision-Making | Makes decisions based on others’ desires and expectations | Makes decisions based on a balance of self and others’ needs |
| Emotional Regulation | Struggles with distress tolerance and self-soothing | Maintains better emotional regulation and resilience |
| Authenticity | Actions are often inauthentic, driven by fear of disapproval | Actions are authentic, driven by true compassion |
Break the habit of people pleasing
Set and Maintain Boundaries
- Learn to Say No: Practice saying no in a respectful and assertive manner. Understand that it’s okay to decline requests that overextend you.
- Communicate Clearly: Express your needs and limits clearly to others. Use “I” statements to communicate your feelings and boundaries.
- Practice Boundaries: Start with small boundaries and gradually increase as you become more comfortable.
Prioritize Self-Care
- Self-Reflection: Spend time understanding your own needs, desires, and values. Regularly check in with yourself to ensure your needs are being met.
- Engage in Activities You Enjoy: Reconnect with hobbies, interests, and activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.
- Mindfulness and Relaxation: Practice mindfulness, meditation, or relaxation techniques to reduce stress and increase self-awareness.
Build Self-Worth and Confidence
- Positive Affirmations: Use positive affirmations to reinforce your self-worth and remind yourself that you are valuable regardless of others’ opinions.
- Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small. Recognize your strengths and contributions.
- Seek Support: Surround yourself with supportive and understanding people who respect your boundaries and encourage your growth.
How to increase self-worth through mirror work and affirmations?
